Am I Beautiful ?

You see it keeps holding my thoughts, my gazes

every time I look at the mirror

every time I touch myself

I wonder where and when this doubt started

it is part of this transitional phase?

is it part of the healing?

i see my tired face and my sad skin and my damaged hair

I see my faded smile my worried hands and my shaking feet

And I feel so afraid

so confused

and I can't say to myself that I'm good

that I'm beautiful

not anymore

I just let it be and surrender

somedays it doesn't matter

other it is killing me deeply

and I say it is part of the healing

my brain my body is reacting again to what I have been through

to all the violence

to all the hate

to all the belittling and the shaming

to all the use and the lies

I feel it now

I feel it more

and I feel it again

stronger and more vital

and I'm so afraid

I'm so afraid of what happened

I'm so afraid of these memories

I'm so afraid of how can my body remember more than my brain

I just want it to fade to wake up better

to wake up feeling beautiful again

to say it out loud

to dare to look at my naked body without breaking up into tears

it still hurts

and I have no one to run to

no one to see

You see letting go come with a price

a price of facing your fears once again for the last time

I pray not to break down

I pray to find my path

I pray to hold myself like no one will

I pray to remember that I survived

I pray to feel Beautiful again

I pray to be free from my own agony

from my own fears